A Mountain of Gratitude.

Last week I officially finished my Doctoral program at USC. I am elated, exhausted, and a little stunned. It has yet to sink in, and in all honesty, this degree should not have happened.

Earning my Doctorate has been on my “bucket list” for 25 years. I waited until the timing was right, and spent five years meticulously researching programs, and two years narrowing down that research before applying to various schools. If I’m being honest, USC was my “stretch school.”  I loved the Organizational Change and Leadership (OCL) program focus, delivery, and curriculum, but never imagined that I would be accepted. I was shocked as I read my acceptance letter and began preparing to begin my Doctoral journey with incredible focus and a hefty amount of anxiety.

Then, during week 1 of term 1, my marriage imploded, and my husband left. I was five days into the three-year program.

I should have dropped out. I had barely started, and this seismic shift derailed me, as it would anyone. I was lost, confused, financially upside down, and could barely process a thought, let alone APA format standards. No one would have questioned my decision to quit. How could I expend the mental and financial resources to move forward during such an unpredictable time? I could have easily justified it as the wrong timing, a need to lick my wounds, or the reality that I needed to hold on to financial resources as I got my life back on track. Each of those responses would have made sense. Instead, I doubled down and this program became a critical tether in my life. As it turns out, the central focus of this program is how to move through changing and unpredictable environments to consistently meet strategic goals. Go figure.

I was absolutely committed to persisting while not allowing this program to take over my life. My coursework and dissertation have traveled with me to places like Italy, Ireland, NYC, Sedona, Maui, and Las Vegas, and more often than not, to my own little piece of nirvana- my cabin nestled deep in the wilderness of the North Cascade Mountains where I chop wood, sit by the fire, and do heavy cognitive lifting. In fact, most of my dissertation was written here- offline and without distractions, my dog my only companion.

I am the first to acknowledge that the only reason I am crossing the stage at graduation is because I have the most incredible group of supporters who believe in me and have consistently lifted me up. Each has been instrumental in getting me here, whether they know it or not. I’m honored to have the opportunity to publicly recognize their selfless role in this achievement:

Luke: My son. My sweet, kind, empathetic son. You amaze me daily and have inspired me in ways you likely don’t even understand. Your pragmatic and well-thought-out positions on most of life’s issues are part of what define you. Your ability to respectfully argue virtually any point is a gift that will serve you well.  I marvel at you and wish I had more of those talents. This world is a better place because you’re in it and I am so, so proud to be your mom.

Billy: You have experienced significant trauma while I have been in this program, and with trademark determination and tenacity, you are back on both feet. You are incredibly resilient, and it is an honor to be your sister. As always, you have kept me humble, and I have no doubt that you will continue to do so. It’s in our DNA.

Maury: There are few people on this planet who believe in me more fiercly than you. Our friendship defies definition. I know I’ve told you this before, but the moment I laid eyes on you nearly 20 years ago, I was struck by an inexplicable sense of knowing and the thought that came over me was “There you are.” You are brilliant, funny, and have been nothing short of consistently encouraging. Whether you realize it or not, I don’t know where I would be without you. I absolutely adore you.

Michele, Kyra, and Julie: You are my favorite shades of gray. I know we don’t have a lot of secrets, but here’s something you may not know: More often than not, you have been my comedic relief. As I’m cognitively wrestling things like Critical Race Theory and Leadership methodology to the ground, you have consistently provided a much-needed break and a guaranteed laugh. When my thinking brain was maxed out, you always forced me to relax, breathe, and enjoy life, most likely without even realizing it. I would be certifiable if it weren’t for the three of you. And you have each taught me to expect the unexpected. And honestly, being at this point is rather unexpected.

Jeff: You stepped in at the exact moment that my research plan was going off the rails. I don’t know how you knew, but you called to check in at a moment when I was at a complete loss because my call for participants wasn’t yielding any actual participants. We hung up, you worked some magic, and within a few days I had more participants than I needed. I don’t know what you did, but you saved me.

Dr. Mike Deere: What an incredible mentor you have been. You took the time to drive several hours to share insight and encouragement with some woman you barely knew when she was just getting started and have been a trusted advisor ever since. You always take my calls, offer honest advice, and I have come to trust your guidance. Thank you for supporting and faithfully guiding me over the past 2.5 years.

Kavita: What an amazing friendship we have built. I love that a woman in rural North Central Washington has connected so deeply with another woman in the heart of NYC and built a bond based on mutual respect and a fair amount of trauma. Thank you for all the debriefing calls after class, the reality checks, getting me through statistics, and always offering up your giant brain to help me through my process. I have never once felt alone, and I am so lucky to know you. I cannot wait to see what your future holds for you.

Dr. Stowe’s group mates: You have been a lifeline. I know we’ve all been at different points in this journey, but you have all been incredibly supportive and encouraging, offered advice, guidance, and a willing ear. I have come to love each and every one of you and I’m so proud of the important work you’re each doing. Keep going.

My dissertation committee: Drs. Stowe, Malloy, and Schiffner, the work I have produced is only as strong as it is because of your faithful guidance. You have each challenged, directed, and occasionally terrified me. I am honored to have had your consistent input and am incredibly grateful for the attention you have each generously shown. I respect each of you so much and will never forget your gracious contributions to my work.

My USC classmates: I’d like to be honest: I have suffered mightily from imposter syndrome for the past three years as I sit among you. You are each so incredibly smart, talented, and accomplished. I have no idea how I managed to find my way into this cohort, but you have accepted, challenged, and respectfully listened to me. And your acceptance of me has helped me believe that I deserve to be here. You have consistently inspired me, and I cannot wait to see what each of you accomplish. You’re all doing amazing work and I’m just lucky to walk amongst you. The end of this journey is bittersweet as I will miss weekly interactions with each of you. #NDLB has carried me through more often than you know, and I am grateful to be your colleague.

Nato: My sweet, sweet man. You entered my life with the force of a lightning bolt. And while I often would much rather have spent time with you, you always insisted that I maintain my focus. Thank you for your trademark humble patience, your listening ear and encouragement, and your quiet willingness to allow me to edit on your couch, during date night, on our travels, and everywhere in between. You have listened to my incessant ramblings, and as you like to say: “4.0s don’t earn themselves.” Thank you for always believing in and encouraging me.

Jenni: Last, but not least. You, my friend, have shaped my success more than anyone. We have been by each other’s side for many, many years, through many, many life events, and I cannot thank you enough for always asking the hard questions, serving up “tough love” when I need it, gently offering a perspective that I don’t see, and your consistent and frequent belief in me. You have spent years listening to me talk about whether or not I should start this program. Then you spent years listening to me talk (and sometimes rant) about my decision. You have always just listened and gently guided me exactly when and where I’ve needed it. What you may not know is that I marvel at your class, grace, and easy joy on a daily basis. You are such a gentle and humble inspiration to me and so many others, and it is an honor to know you. I know how lucky I am to have a best friend like you in my corner. Thank you. If I could choose one person to walk across the stage with me at graduation, it would be you.

This just might be the longest acknowledgment in history, but I honestly don’t care because if left to my own devices, I would not be crossing this finish line at all. Everyone mentioned above has at one time or another carried me when I was too tired or overwhelmed to carry the weight on my own. Some knew it, but most likely did not. It’s probably true that I should have dropped out in May of 2021, but because of each of these beautiful souls I am crossing the stage triumphantly in May of 2024. And I will spend the rest of my life looking for ways to repay the grace and kindness I’ve been shown.